On Dealing with Celebrity Death

Jan 27

Jan 27 On Dealing with Celebrity Death

Yesterday news broke that Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi, her teammate and family, as well as the pilot, all perished in a helicopter crash. Now I’m not an NBA fan, but I felt gutted by this news. I couldn’t immediately grasp why I felt this loss so viscerally, its not like I knew anyone in the crash personally. But grief and connection are complex and the depth of how complicated it can get is often revealed in celebrity death.

We may not know them personally in the traditional sense, but for sport stars like Kobe, who’ve had decades long careers and were exceptional in many ways, its not uncommon that people can recall details about their lives and accomplishments quicker than they can for some friends and family. They seem invincible, untouchable, perfect. Especially with social media, we get glimpses into their everyday lives, cooking and playing with their kids, right alongside the people we know in real life. But Kobe’s influence didn’t end with sports. He was loved by millions, for his talent, his drive, kids idolized him from the very start of his career, and for those same kids, now adults, it can feel like they’re losing a big part of their childhood too. A huge part of grief is the loss of potential, because you lose the person as well as who they could be if they had more time. Kobe retired from the NBA in 2016 but was busy inspiring the next generation of athletes with the Mamba Sports Academy, which was his destination at the time of the crash. His daughter Gigi, just 13, wanted to continue his legacy and was well on her way to being the third-generation Bryant to be a basketball prodigy. And then what about the people they left behind?. The Bryants lost a father, a husband, a daughter, and a sister in one day. This breaks us because we either cannot fathom that kind of pain and it hurts us to try, or we can and it brings painful memories back to the surface. What we can’t forget is that there were 7 other people who died in that crash, families who lost loved ones at the same time in the same way, but whose biggest loss of their life will be reduced to “and 7 others” in every tweet, news clip, and article. I hope the love, prayers, condolences, tributes etc. reach them. I hope they feel the outpouring of recognition and sympathy too.

Experiences such as these are also an opportunity to grapple with the harms of idolizing celebrities and people in general. Celebrities are people too, and people first. No celebrity is perfect and it is not speaking ill of the dead by discussing the deceased as a multidimensional person. Kobe was a great in many many ways. As was Michael Jackson. Arguably the greatest in their respective fields. But that does not and should not erase the fact that they both were accused of sexual assault. Many will say that death isn’t the time to bring these assaults up, but I beg to differ. Everyone will deal with the celebrity loss in their own way, and we have to understand and make space for any victims that the celebrity left behind. Their grief is of a different kind but just as valid. When your abuser is someone who is universally loved, then that’s a type of isolation that most of us don’t understand, but at the VERY least we can allow for them to speak their truths. If we don’t acknowledge the failings of the dead, we not only refuse to honor their whole existence as a fallible person, but the complex relationships that they left behind.

If you’re deeply effected by Kobe’s death, your grief isn’t pretend, and it deserves to be felt as deeply as needed. Honor their lives as you would any loved one. Revisit what connected you with them. Talk about what made them great and cherish the memories you have. Find the people who are also grieving and find strength in the fact that your celebrity is changing lives beyond the scope of their life here on earth. Mourn them fully and honor your grief and the other grief that this death may resurface for you. Let this experience push you to hug tighter and love fuller. And to understand the deceased as the whole and flawed person that they are. If this gets to be too much and you’re looking for more help, there are resources. You don’t have to do this alone.

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My face when my coworker says he’s feeling ‘so ADD right now’.🙄 This happened a month ago but I see a lot of people saying it now that they’re working from home. Having ADHD means SO much more than not being able to concentrate. 💩, I wish that was my only problem 😭. Fun Fact: There is a movement to rename ADHD/ADD to Executive Function Disorder which encompasses way more symptoms of ADHD that people forget about. Like low impulse control, disorganization, trouble planning and prioritizing, low frustration tolerance, rejection sensitivity, hyper focus, etc etc. So if you’re struggling with #WFH consider its because you’ve thrown out of your normal schedule and are dealing with a lot of fear and uncertainty that’s making it hard to concentrate on the work in front of you! It’s a huge adjustment and we’re all understandably struggling with it (but it’s prob not ADD) #theellery #mentalhealthmatters #adhd

This post felt impossible to write. Grief is hard to talk about and no one wants to say the wrong thing, which usually means we say nothing at all. I don’t know if these were the right words to say but I hope this attempt starts conversations for those who feel like they don’t have the language to talk about #grief and #loss Link in bio ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ #theellery #mentalhealthmatters

How I plan to spend #blackhistorymonth Reading black books and black books only. And Heavy by @kieselaymon is a perfect way to start. And it is ‘heavy’ to say the least. His memoir runs the gamut of the types of pain that black people and black bodies endure but I think this is the first book I’ve read that includes a black man exhibiting disordered eating. These narratives are SO important because when we talk #eatingdisorders we tend to default to anorexia and the obsessive ballerina. Meanwhile #ednos is SO much more than that. BED or binge eating disorder is the most common #eatingdisorder and characterized by not being able to control eating large amounts of food at once. Up to 40% of people seeking weight loss treatment can be clinically dx’d with BED. Thank you for your narrative @kieselaymon and for helping fight the stigma around mental health. #theellery #noshamenostigma #mentalhealthmatters #ednos #blackbooks #blackauthors #blackwriting #blacknarratives

Wrote some words for those who need them. Linked in Bio or TheEllery.com/kobebryant #theellery #ripkobe

This means people, jobs, cities and situations. But for some reason people don’t acknowledge how difficult it is to cut off family members. Or quit. Or move. So I’ll preface this advice with this: protect yourself and your energy until you get that opportunity to extract yourself from what doesn’t serve you. Remember that it’s temporary and there’s no shame in making a plan first. Do it in your time and in your own way. #theellery #mentalhealthmatters ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ 📸by @blcksmth @amberruffin

I came I read I conquered 📚 ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ Crushed my goal of 100 books last year. What did I learn? Probably won’t look to stuff 100 books into 365 days any time soon. Too many words, too little time. As a research analyst I’m all about the #data and tracking so I’m letting my 2019 book list (link in bio!) inform my goals for 2020. This 113 book journey taught me that I want to read more #blackauthors more #fiction and more physical books. What are some titles I need to add to my must read list? 🤓 #theellery #bookstagram #goodreads

Self-advocacy•the action of representing oneself’s views or interest 🧵 by @badasscrossstitch ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ You’d think in being a mental health advocate I’d find it easy to advocate for myself (I wish). But just like everything else that’s important in life, they don’t teach you how to do this in school. Self advocacy is SO important to practice, because we deserve to be the one’s in the driver’s seat of our lives. In the same way that doctors, professors, and other authorities are experts in their field, remember that you’re the World’s Leading Expert in You. If you don’t feel that way, then spend some time getting to know yourself- your needs, wants, desires, dreams. Then understand the rights that you have as a human person in this world. You deserve to have your pain, safety, dreams, career, everything, taken seriously. But since that’s not the reality for most, advocate for yourself (and others!) early, and often. Maybe we can get a little more out of this life #theellery #advocacy #selfadvocacy #MLK

One of my 2020 goals is to read more physical books. Last year I read a ton, and it was achievable in part because of the convenience factor. No matter where I was I’d have easy access to e-books and audiobooks on my phone and my kindle fits in my parka pocket. But this year I want to read with intention- and get back the ability to put down my phone and justlose myself in a good story. I also want to read through all the gorgeous hardcovers that I’ve bought and haven’t read yet, meaning I’ll finally be reading @Kieslelaymon @eve.ewing @roxanegay74 @tressiemcphd and @wellreadblackgirl . But first, #queenie by @candicec_w #theellery #wellreadblackgirl #bookstagram

“People who are outed feel blindsided and forced to reveal a deeply personal part of their identity without their consent and under someone else’s terms. Coming out is a process and can be a difficult time for someone because of discrimination, homophobia, or potential marginalization from their families and community at large. People must choose for themselves how and when to come out.”- @thetaskforce ✨✨✨✨ ✨✨✨✨ @nikkietutorials was being blackmailed by someone threatening to out her by being #trans . Transphobia and homophobia is still alive and well, so not only is outing someone a MAJOR violation of their privacy, it can be incredibly dangerous. Many members of the LGBTQ community can face loss of relationships, jobs, healthcare, and overall safety when outed. So while @nikkietutorials is handling this with beauty + grace, let’s not forget that this didn’t happen on her terms and that’s pretty f*cked up #theellery #mentalhealthmatters

Happy and joyful ✨✨✨✨ Have you ever considered the difference? Happiness is caused by things and events, external stuff. Joy is something intentional and comes from within. It comes with sitting in and recognizing the little things. The things that are so easy to rush past when you’re running through life. It takes practice but you can start at anytime. And @mariekondo says ‘things’ count so this hat is my #joyoftheday #theellery #joyful

Hi!

Jan 27 On Dealing with Celebrity Death

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Jan 21 Every Single Book I've Read in 2019