Everything You Need to Know About Grief
Everything You Need to Know About Grief
If you‘ve ever loved and then lost, you know grief. And just like all the other things that make us uncomfortable, we really don’t know how to talk about death, so we don’t. We avoid it like it’s not the one thing that we all have in common, like it’s not the only certainty we have in this world. Maybe we don’t talk about it because it’s scary and talking about it makes it all seem too real. Maybe it’s because modern technology creates more medical miracles and we feel that we can outsmart death, when in reality we’re just postponing the inevitable. In reality, we and everyone we love is going to die some day, and we will deeply grieve their loss. We don’t like to be reminded of that, so we silence conversations around loss. Grief is so incredibly personal but it’s also something that connects us all, yet we don’t talk about it. We don’t understand it and we’re afraid of saying the wrong thing so we end up isolating people when they need it the most. While I can’t give you the right words to say but I hope I can give you the words to start the conversation.
So What is It?
Grief is strong and often overwhelming reaction to loss. I’ll focus mostly on the death of a person but grief can emanate from a loss of any kind. Grieving a loss of freedom, a relationship, a healthy future, a friendship, a career, an idol, fertility, a sense of self, are completely valid even though they tend to be dismissed. It’s hard to talk about because these are hard conversations we don’t learn to have, so we often don’t have the words we need to express ourselves. Speaking of words, while grief, mourning, and bereavement are sometimes used interchangeably, they actually have different definitions (if only slightly). Grief is the deep, instinctual, and often sharp reaction to the loss of someone or something that has died, bereavement is the period of or state of mourning, and mourning is the process of adapting to loss. There are those who think that the word grief should be reserved only for death, because the loss is permanent, absolute. Language is important because words mean things but it’s not my place to judge what loss is tragic enough to qualify as ‘true grief’ and there aren’t enough words in the English language to encompass the loss of the loved, so use what feels right to you.
Who Has It?
At some point in their lives, everyone. Loss is universal which means grief is universal. Because people die everyday. 7,700 people in fact, according to the CDC. Which means every hour, 320 relationships are irreparably ended, and every 12 seconds a state of bereavement starts. When you add in all of the other causes of grief, everyone you know is dealing with a loss of some kind. Whether it be months, years, or decades since, you’re constantly dealing with grieving people. Remembering that every human everywhere is dealing with a loss helps give perspective as to why people do what they do. I don’t believe grief is something you get over, or get easier even. It’s pain beyond measure, often beyond words, and it’s an ocean. It’s treacherous and beautiful. It’s dark, deep, and comes in waves. It’s unpredictable-it can crash at your shins one day and drag you under the tide the next. And we’re all just here trying our hardest to keep swimming and doing our best to stay afloat.
Why Does it Happen?
Humans are a social species. Which means that evolutionarily, relationships have kept our ancestors safe and alive. The significance of a community is has been passed down through generations as a protective factor. The ones who loved were the ones to survive. Eras later, it continues to be true-love keeps us alive. We know this because of the joy we feel surrounded by our people, how the mere thought of them keeps us going through the hardest of times. We know this because we see the socially isolated, those who don’t have adequate social connections, are more likely to have impaired mental and cognitive function, congestive heart disease, stroke, and diminished immunity. So while you don’t need others to survive in the same way our ancestors did, those who don’t have adequate connections will suffer in a different way. We live our lives the way we do because we love others. We keeping going when we want to stop because we are bigger than ourselves. We push further and try harder because with our people, we can. Our relationships, quite literally, help us thrive. Love keeps us alive. Grief happens when the love that we so courageously give, no longer has a place to go.
What Does it Feel Like?
Grief is something that you’ll feel in every aspect of your being. The mind on grief may have trouble concentrating, settling, or falling and staying asleep. It may crave comfort foods or no food at all. The body may feel exhausted, weak, achy, and oversensitive. It may react with bouts of GI issues, panic attacks or rashes. The soul may feel anxious, troubled, depressed, or irritable which is generally understood and accepted. But a sense of relief might appear as well, especially if the death was drawn out and painful. Grief is a primal wave of emotion. It’s complicated and upsetting and we often don’t have the language to articulate it. It’s not something to get over, or something that gets better with time. But we do weave the loss into our story and move forward with it.
What Do I Do About It?
If grief is something that you’re dealing with right now, I’m so deeply sorry for your loss. I actually started this blog post right when I finished the post about Kobe Bryant. In the short time between then and now, my uncle has passed and this post became exponentially harder to write. So what to do with all of this love with no place to go? Face it. Feel your feelings, feel them fully. Cry, laugh, scream, do what you need to find comfort. Be patient with yourself, do some deep breathing, take a walk, pet a puppy. Don’t forget that you’ll carry your person and their memory with you forever, and that finding happiness in a world that they’re no longer a part of isn’t impossible nor is it disrespectful. Take time off from work or school to rest if you’re able to. Remember that you’re moving forward, not moving on because your person and your love for them will be with always, in the present tense. Be with others that get it, whether it be family, friends, therapy, or a support group. If you’re a reader, read. I know Elizabeth Kubler-Ross literally wrote the book On Death and Dying but Nora McInerny and her podcast Terrible, Thanks for Asking, her Ted Talk, and her books are what helped me name the feelings that no one wants to talk about. Option B, Tuesdays with Morrie, When Breathe Becomes Air, Being Mortal are all books that have helped me wrap my head around the one thing we all know will happen but still are never fully prepared for.
Anything Else?
Grief can bring out the absolute best in people-you may be completely surprised at who shows up for you to bring food, run errands, and listen when you need it the most. But it can bring out the worst as well. Maybe it’s because they feel uncomfortable and they can’t find the right words to say, so they say nothing at all. Or maybe they don’t want to deal with the nuclear fallout, the raw nerves, and forced vulnerability that comes with the death of a loved one-so they opt out altogether. Not everyone can rise up to the occasion when they’re expected to but they will be swapped out for those who can and will. As for those who can’t, this experience can change your connection to them forever, and that’s okay. But before you write them off as the literal spawn of Satan, consider what it took for you to learn how to truly show up for others and how you’ve failed along the way. This may not save the relationship but it gives perspective and a lesson that bears reminding: We’re all here trying our hardest to keep swimming and doing our best to stay afloat.
